My Ambition Will Kill Me

Bringing the pain because that is the only way we are going to be able to make this work. I need the fire started because where champions are crafted in fire, legends are made in the sun. And The Legend is what I wanna be, so The Sun is where I need to go. Forget this planet. Forget my friends, forget my family, forge loved ones, loved places and loved things... everything. All is irrelevant except one. There is only one thing that matters... the fame... the fortune... the glory... the goal... that's actually four things, but they're all at the same destination.

My ambition will kill me.

But who cares? They do. That's what they insist I do. Fuel up my ship. Get me ready for take off. Prepare me for the atmosphere and beyond. I am willing and ready to become The Legend that I have always wanted to become, that I always knew I could be, that I prided myself on being before I even was. I will burn out. I will overheat. I will cook. I do not care. I am tired of looking up at all of those people above me, wondering how they got there, why they are there, wondering how and why I am not there yet. I am tired of looking at all those losers with thrones. I am tired of seeing myself up at the top with a throne, but only as a mere figment of my imagination. So let's do this. Let's hop in the ship and let's aim for the sun.

My ambition will kill me.

The moon sucks. Forget its pleasant, gentle beauty and its contrast of darkness, providing hope and light to those who need it. No, forget all of that... it is too cold there anywhere, and it holds no weight. Literally. Fuck Venus. Think I care about women and their origins and how they work and how to get one and love and compassion and affection? We need to go beyond that. I can see it now. The sun is coming soon. And look... you'll have to squint your eyes hard, maybe even recover from a bit of retina damage, but there goes Mercury, right now. Right there. That small, red spot amongst the yellow. And wow, what is this thing? Apparently they are more planets chilling, around here though? Amazing... talk about discovering new stuff. More than enough mysteries for the private eye to spy. But I am not here for the discovery. I am not here for the journey. I am here for the destination.

My ambition will kill me.

And there it is. The sun. Now I can be The Legend. I can hardly see it now. No one can hardly see me anymore either. I can feel it though. I can feel everything coming together now, fusing into this one thing that society has held to such high regard... success of its highest, most ominous nature. Yes. Everyone is waaaay down there, and I am waaaaaay up here, but look at that ... no one can see me. It is cool though... actually, it is not cool at all. It is hot up here. And yeah, my skin is cooking. Burning. Overheating. Spontaneously combusting, though it is not all that random... I mean, I am at the sun. Exactly where I wanted to be. Exactly where I needed to be. Becoming the Legend. Absorbing the fire... or maybe the fire is absorbing me. Too bad no one will ever care.

My ambition will kill me.

****

Once upon a time, there was a guy who insisted that he was the best. And we all wanted him to be the best. We helped keep him afloat when he was drowning in waste, and we supported him when he was flying on cloud bridges. Unfortunately, he wanted to go higher and higher and higher. And he forgot about us. Hell bent on becoming a legend... no, excuse me, The Legend, he took off, but only got but so high. High enough to become delusional, but not high enough to achieve what one would call, "success." And we watched this tragic man fall so deep, crashing through rocks, slamming against walls, and ending in a fiery blaze that he insisted was "The Sun." Sure enough, he became a legend, alright.... the example of the greatest lesson we were ever taught.

Painful Fantasy

How can you fight so many fights at one time?

I don't.

But... when I see you...

You don't... you don't really see me.
You see with your eyes, and that's nice and all, but take a deeper look.

What do you mean?

I don't fight all of these fights.
Some of them, I put away on the back burner.
Some of them, I quit.
Some of them, I smash instantly.
I'm not always fighting.
I'm just good at putting up my fists.


I'm gonna burn my money,
Because I wouldn't feel good with it otherwise.

I speak too much,
Too much about what I want to do.

And then I do nothing.
And then I talk some more.

I'm always falling for the trap
Known as the dream.

I'm never moving, never growing,
Never experiencing what is real.

I prefer my own world,
Where everything happens for me.

With me, by me, instantly.
No disappointment.

Except for the fact
That it's only an idea.

And when I return to reality,
The dreams hurt more.

I don't understand this planet
And its inhabitants.

I don't understand why we chase dreams,
And let what's really there slip away.

I don't understand why shit happens to good people
And bad people get away with murder.

Hearts are broken every day
And no one is around to do their time.

The shell is an interesting piece of material,
Hard on the outside,
Intimidating in some cases,
But in many cases,
That shell is simply the protection
Necessary because the inside is soft
And vulnerable.

And some people see the shell
And they don't even bother it.

And some people see the shell
And they crack it open,
Just to exploit the insides.

And some people see the shell,
And they work it open
So that they can appreciate what's inside,
It's softness, it's tenderness.

But the latter is rare,
And the shell seeks the latter,
But constantly mistakes it for the poacher,
And constantly gets hurt,

All because of a dream.

Modern Mystery

I have these questions,
But I lack the answers.
And these questions,
I can not find on google.

I'm running a path
That is rarely worn,
Almost as though I'm on
Forbidden territory.

I have enough clues
In my attempt to solve this,
But still, my intelligence
Fears the uncertainty.

The advice of others
Simply doesn't apply here.
This mystery I'm involved in
Is all my own...

Which is probably why I feel so alone...

Perhaps it's a path to a throne...

It's lonely at the top,
But exactly how many people
Tried this path
Only to slip upon a stone?

Just another question added.
An answer I don't need.
For all the people that fell
Probably have all the advice I need...

It's impossible,
It's suicide,
Don't do it to yourself,
It's not worth it...

These are the voices,
This is the advice
That haunts my ears
As I continue down the road before me.

I ask for advice,
And I am unsatisfied.
For with all the failures,
I wish to succeed.

So I will continue this path.
I will continue this mystery.
With a little bit of luck,
Loose stones won't set me free...

For a failure here
Will simply continue
My imprisonment.

Moon

I know your sun rocks,
But I was just wondering...
When is it my turn?

Blush

These are dreamy thoughts,
Warm, calm thoughts that always put
A smile on my face.

I Love My Job

I've been doing this for years.
I've seen villains go beyond their means,
Beyond what they ever planned to do.
I've seen death, both untimely and deserved.
I've watched people sacrifice themselves for me,
For their loved ones, for the supposed greater good,
In hopes that the end of their lives
Would allow others to continue.
I've been hurt.
I've been beaten.
I've had my heart broken.
I've had my will broken.
I've seen the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
I've saved the world many a time,
And I don't really have anything to show for it.
Hell, half the time the world didn't even know it was being saved.
And crush me, it did.
All of that pressure, all of the expectations,
It brought me to a low that I would have never imagined.

But regardless, I continued my job.

I asked myself that question,
"Should I get some type of reward for what I do?"
And the answer that I came up with was it doesn't matter.
I've been doing what I've been doing for so long,
Not for a reward,
But because I love doing what I do.
I may have never received a single cent.
I may not always get the girl.
I may not get any recognition.
But I legitimately receive plenty of satisfaction in saving the lives I've saved, touching the souls I've touched, and kicking the asses I've kicked.
When shit hits the fan they call me because I live for that scent.
When darkness lurks and grows I'm the torch that burns the shadows.
When the pressure is on I've added the most bad ass of moments to my record.
I don't need benefits.
The benefits are all in the job itself.
I may not be a perfect hero,
I may not be the best hero,
I may not be the purest hero,
But damn it I love the hero that I am.
I don't need a fucking incentive.
I love my job.

The Amazon

She's an interesting warrior indeed.
Stronger than her beauty implies,
Incredibly versatile,
Yet easy to underestimate.
And perhaps, that is her best weapon.
You underestimate her, you get hurt.
That's what happened to you, and you lost. Hard.
Perhaps I'm underestimating her too.
And if I am, then so be it.
I'll get over it. Five stages of depression.
Whatever.
But if I win...

*raises one arm*

It'll be my greatest win yet.

Crisis of Chaos

You blow my mind.
You thought that you could just interfere with fate and destiny
And everything would be a-okay?
You thought that you could defy logic and still believe in it?
You thought that you could dabble in the very fabric of our livelihood
And things wouldn't start busting at the seems.

You're a fool.
You started this chaos.
You caused this chaos.
You're the reason people want you dead.
You're the reason people want this planet destroyed.
You're the reason people are looking to be at the top of the food chain.

You're the reason the food chain is vulnerable enough as it is...

And yet, you're handling this chaos with such poise,
Such composure, such leadership.

You, you've changed.
Just as you've changed everything you ever knew,
You changed yourself as well,
Perhaps by accident.

The you that I knew would have cracked.
The you that I knew would have folded under such pressure.

Yet you stand there.
Facing your doom.
With a smile on your face.
Why?

*************

I dunno. I guess I'm just in a really good mood.

Scarred

So, I guess there's no need to hold back now...

Look at my scars...

He did this to me.
I don't like these scars.
For every scar on my body,
I shall rip him into that many pieces.

Don't bother resisting.
Join me, you fools.
You come from me,
But he brainwashed you.
Claims to be your leader,
But your emperor will waste you in a moment's notice.

Fine, go on and keep attacking.
I know all your moves.
You are me, you come from me.
Keep proving it.
Keep proving that you are nothing but dogs.
You are nothing but pawns in your emperors grand plans...

Grand plans
That have finally began to see their end.

These scars will have their revenge.
Only when each scar is accounted for
Will each scar heal.

Value of That Luster

 it's rough out here.
life didn't come with an instruction manual.
it came with promises of gold as a youngster.
but the luster for many was simply pyrite.

so we grew up and we cashed in.
and what we got in return was garbage.
because that's what we believed in.
but one man's trash in another man's treasure.

you might think it's hard.
but some got it way harder.
so take the cards that you were dealt,
turn it into a winning hand.

even a pair of 2's can win a game of poker if you believe in it hard enough.

it just can't beat a royal flush.

but how often do you go up against royal toilets?

Bridges and Trees

I had a wicked dream and it brought up a question,
If a new bridge was built, would I cross it?

It's not as simple as the question looks,
For the land I am on seems dreamy...

Yet I probably really didn't get much out of it.
Perhaps internal growth and stuff.

But with all that I invested in this land,
I still don't see any trees.

The people across the bridge are chanting,
And they've seen my hard work.

The people across the bridge are advertising,
Promising me the world if I do what I did here for them.

They're assuring me the best, but how can I be sure?
And how do I know the same promises weren't implied here?

My biggest thing is that while the trees might never grow,
Trees don't grow overnight...

The Inevitable

I started to have nightmares about the dead bodies,
Of the people I sacrifices for the "greater good."
The dead bodies criticized me, complained about my choices.
These dead bodies were of people I loved.
Those nightmares hurt.

I tried to stay awake and stay focused on something else,
But the dead bodies haunted me in my thoughts,
And I even heard their voices while awake.
It hurt just as bad as the nightmares,
Only now I wasn't getting any rest.

I started going to sleep again,
And I had a different type of nightmare,
A nightmare where I saw my death in battle.
How I died, why I died, who killed me.
That one hurt even worse.

No one wants to die.
And you may not know it, but no one wants to foresee their death.
So I trained, hoping to overcome this premonition.
But the more I trained, the clearer the nightmare,
And the more I hurt.

So now I stand before you.
I see the same dark clouds, the same mountains in the back ground,
The evil face of relentless fury.
And I can assure you
The hurt for both of us will end today.

Presidential Imperfection

And the problem is
We want the perfect President
But that's an impossible precedent
To push upon the President.

For there is no such thing as perfect people.
For if there were perfect people
They'd already been the President.

Actually, they'd the ruled the world a while ago.
And because their picture's perfect, we'd all be in chill mode.

'Cause they're perfect.
We wouldn't even have complaint,
'Cause complaints imply imperfect Presidents.

But perfection's impossible,
And a President can't present it,
Or precede it, or achieve it,
Yet we see it.

And that perfection that we wish to see
Is what drives to vote for a victory.

And it's a victory that will never be attained
Because picture perfect President can never be maintained.

The highest Bill is Clinton
And he wasn't perfect.
Bomb, bomb, bomb,
Someone had to die to keep us safe.

The highest Bill got top,
And almost got removed for that
Because he lied.
What an imperfect picture
Getting oral in the oval office,
Obviously moaning
From the pleasure of perfection
That the President's wife could not achieve.

So he couldn't do either.

And he might have been best... but.

The highest bill is Franklin aka Benjamin,
While the first one was Washington, and he's the least,
And the man that freed the blacks is a muthafucking penny

We are all equal,
Yet our value very different.
So if we are all equal,
We all gotta be perfect.
But we're not.

And yet, when we vote, we seek perfection,
Whether bought by the TV or your own little inspection,
You use to rights to hand rights over in a connection,
And we force a Perfect President to win a forced election.

But perfection doesn't exist,
And the election's arbitrary,
And the truth remains a ghost,
And the promises are fairy,
I mean very very very high hopes,
High apple pie in the skyyyy hopes.

And we believe it.

Because of the damage.

From the chaos of the quest of perfection.

But illusion is the only truly achieved precedent.
But perfection was never a quest for the President.

I Noticed that This Blog has Changed...

You have to understand... when I started this blog, I was in a totally different mindset then compared to what I am now. Still the same person, in general, but my mind and how it works and what it's focused on is way different.

And like, I find myself with not much time to do the detailed writings about things that I kinda sorta care about. Like, I remember last year, I was doing posts on E3, the NBA, and a whole bunch of other shit that caught my mind. I had song of the day, video of the day, The Adventures of Mark Wins, and maybe even other blog features that I hardly even remember anymore. It's all because my mind is in a different place these days...

Like, a lot of the things that media talks about these days simply doesn't interest me. I've also lost interest in many things that I used to care for in place of giving more focus to more important things. Like, for example, most of my personal opinions on shit has disappeared, and a whole lot more poetry has occupied this blog. Poetry is something I've been focusing on a whole lot more.

And I'm also getting Marko Man started. It's taking forever for me to actually get it going, and I actually had to stop and start over the series (well, I didn't restart it yet) in favor of "non-canon" stories that I find way more epic and entertaining than what I was writing. I actually have a few more stories that I want to write before I even bother starting the series back up again... and three fights will end up here on this blog. And I'll start up the series in November for another attack at NaNoWriMo. The difference this time will be that the 50,000 words will catapult me into the crux of the first book. I get the feeling that the first book is going to be long because I've decided to raise up on a few restriction that I imposed on myself... we'll see what happens.

Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, regardless of the sloth like progress, I need another fucking job. I want something that I can either make a career out of, or something that will give me the opportunity towards a career... you know, something with either growth potential or more money to work towards something else... I dunno yet, but I know for a fact that I need to stop washing dishes for assholes.

So yeah. I don't really have time to focus on other things. I've even cut down on my video game play somewhat... like, it's not a lot, but it's a considerable amount, enough of an amount such that if you lived with me and were paying attention, you'd definitely notice. I guess you could say I'm trying to start growing up, but that process (finally) started in 2009 (and I ain't ashamed to admit it either), and it's simply hitting a new level with a few bumps in the road and shit.

So for anyone who followed the blog in hopes of me continuing to talk about select events of the world and seeing my videos and songs for the day, I apologize. Thing is, I still watch videos and listen to music, so for those things, it's not much more than actually putting out an effort to try and go with it. And I still go on Adventures, I just don't give myself time to write about them. Like, when I went on staycation in September, I biked all around Manhattan and Brooklyn, NY.

And not a single word was typed about it on this blog.

So if I'm losing followers over this, and I'm pretty sure I am, because that whole 4chan vs. 9gag post gave me an insane amount of steam, it's whatever. I like it's evolution. And of course I would. And I'm glad I didn't monetize this blog, because then I'd find myself with extra pressure to give a fuck. But without any monetizing, no fucks shall be given.

At this point, it's your choice to follow the blog or not. Make a wise decision... stick around only if you like my work. And if you don't... peace.

Visit

You dropped by today.
You showed me pain.
Disappeared once again,
But I'll see you at an end.

You'll be back.

And hopefully next time, I'll be ready,
Because it starting to hurt, and it's not staying steady.

The Middle

Looking behind me, I see the darkness.
Looking ahead of me, I see the light.

Where I stand now? A gray area.
Not too bright, not too dark,
Not too much of anything.

Except dreams.

Dreams that I can travel twice as far as I've already walked.
Dreams of success, of fun, of the completion of my happiness.
Completion, because I feel happy enough.

And then I hear that one song.
And then I see that one picture.
And then I feel that one beat in my heart...

Don't stop. There's more.

That's the consistent message.
Whether I hear it, see it, or feel it.
That is the consistent message.

You fought already? Fight some more.
You walked already? Now run.

And I'm not even tired.
Though I'm not fresh.
Somewhere in between.

Obviously.

And I know I don't want to go back.
And I know I want to go forward.
And I know I move too slow.
And I know at least I move slow towards
The things that I want to see.

And I know that if I don't see them,
I know that it could be disappointing.

And I know that if I don't see them,
I know that I appreciate what I saw.

Trapped in a vision of dreams,
A vision when I can look back,
Just like this particular moment...

And say...

I won.

Again.

Because I already won.
I conquered the darkness.
To an extent.

And all that is left
Is to conquer the light.
And to embrace it.
For everything
I ever wanted it to be.

But perhaps, it's not worth it.
Maybe I'm not meant
To have everything I want.

And every time that doubt
Creeps into my mind,
Fight it I must.

For that is only the darkness's call,
Looking for me, wanting me back,
Missing me.

Missing me just like I missed success,
Like I missed happiness, love,
And all those wonderful feelings
That make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Maybe I am settling for something less
Than my original, youthful dreams.

Maybe the realistic part of me
Is taking over and understanding.

And it understands that I can do what I want.
I ain't too old just yet.

I've come a long way.
I've got a long way to go.

Saw You

Saw you in a dream last night, saw your soul.
Saw the energy you had for me, made me bold.
Saw your eyes sparkle when I entered your sight,
Saw you standing with me in an eternal light.
Saw all your heart, saw all your strength,
Saw all the troubles you endured in great length.
Saw your need and desire for a hug,
Saw your delight when I gave you true love.

Majin

A battle rages on between two conflicting sides,
A side of purest parts of my heart,
A side of coldest and the darkest.

The battle starts and continues,
Knowing that there are many things
More important that need to be dealt with.

And still, this battle will continue,
Regardless of consequence
Until it is much too late.

Only then will I learn
The same lesson that I always learn,
The same lesson that I never learn.

Anti-Savior

Every day I step into that damned arena,
This is the rage I want to feel.
No longer yearning for God's blessings,
I am praying for Satan's hate.
Feed me sin, give me greed, give me wrath,
Give me the fuel that bleeds my eyes.
Grant me extended fever, torch my tortured soul,
Let me toss many flaming stones.

I've been too nice for far too long.
I need the immediate power to escape now.
Patience gone, can't contain my primal fury,
Feel my pain, watch me explode, spectate the broken walls.
And when I leave, I can only hope He forgives me
For forging my path to light via shadow.
Of course, I'll have to start all over,
But at whatever cost, at least I will be free.

The Same Song

We heard the same song,
But you ain't hear it how I heard it.
You heard something hot.
I heard hot garbage.

It's a shallow song indeed,
Dive and get hurt.
Designed for one move,
And that move wasn't thought.

We heard the same song,
But you ain't hear it how I heard it.
All you heard was noise.
I heard a fucking story.

I heard an epic tale
Of a hero scorn
As his exploits fail
And his friends were torn.
That hero got vicious
More so than usual,
With revenge so delicious
The thing he'd do to you
For being pure of dark
And showing no heart,
He silenced his bark,
And tore you apart.
He exterminate thee,
Yet could not fill the hole.
For they permanently
Damaged his soul.

We heard the same song,
But you ain't hear it how I heard it.
You heard a hook.
I heard that all was nothing.

You heard it five times
A day for three weeks
And to you, the lyrics
Remain unknown.
You don't even understand
The build of the song.
It's not meant to stick,
Only to hit it and split.

We heard the same song,
But you ain't hear it how I heard it.
You heard softness,
I heard love.

I heard an epic tale
Of hearts uniting.
While other hearts fail
They kept on fighting.
With all the break ups,
They still believed.
Cleaned off the make up
To see what was unseen.
Together they learned
How not to leech.
Where others would burn,
Together they'd reach
They formed a bond
For a common goal,
And together they donned
A powerful soul.

So continue to listen to what you claim you enjoy.
Continue to wade in puddles.
You don't have to join me, because I won't join you.
I rather weather the storm.