September 30, 2012

It Must Have Been a Dream...

I'm going to bottle up all my feelings here, then I'm going to leave them alone and get on with my life.

When the dream comes back and the dream comes true, I'll be ready to deal with it without tears.

I definitely miss you more than everyone else, combined. Like, everyone else probably just misses you when they’re at work, but I definitely be at home like “Where’s Nicole?” :’( I see a bottle of Pepsi, go to McDonald's, get a slice of pizza and pull off the cheese and put it on the crust (lolol it’s all food), and it all reminds me of you. I miss talking to you, I miss making you laugh, I miss your loving embrace with that last chance touch that you do as we let go, I miss your poems that secretly tell me what you want me to do to you and what you want to do to me... perhaps I miss you a little too much, and perhaps I shouldn’t have told you that, but I’m sure it was a little secret in my heart that was worth telling.

It's not like I took our time together for granted or anything. I enjoyed every waking moment of it. Whenever I had any moment of escape, any opportunity to see you, I took it. From finding excuses to go to Revolucion for 3 seconds to walking with you as you left to go home, I appreciated being around you. So it's not like your absence tearing me apart is something I didn't see coming. No, after a certain point, I was always quite afraid of it. But now? Wow... I had no idea it would rock my world this badly.

So I try calling you. And I try texting you. And I get no response either way. And I'm trying to stay in touch, but at the same time, I'm trying to not come off as a nuisance. I don't know if you're getting my calls and/or my texts or not, but I don't want you to look at your phone and be like "Why this nigga keep blowing up my phone for?"

"Bitch, 'cause I love you."

Yeah. Like, I knew that after a point, but I didn't truly know that until that day I last saw you before you went on your vacation and I was hoping that you had gotten the other job and I didn't want you to come back because this place is stressful and it was stressing you out insanely. And I asked myself (because, you know, I talk to myself), "Why do you care?"

"Bitch, 'cause I love her."

And it became painfully obvious at that point. Which is why I really wanted to get things going during my vacation. Because having not delivered a single kiss to your lips, I've fallen in love. Clearly, this was a premature fall, but I've fallen.

And I swear, whenever we finally meet up outside of work, I'm probably just going to skip the formalities, hold you close, stare into those beautiful eyes, run my hand through your hair, gently caress the side of your face, and deliver the kiss that weakens your knees and melts your heart.

I'm sure that it's best that I wait. I know that good things come to those who wait. But the lessons of the past tell me that I shouldn't wait for too long. They always say that you should tell someone how you feel about them before it's too late. And I wanna tell you. I wanna show you too. But I don't know if it's you, if it's me, or if it's simply a series of unfortunate events, but I'm gonna tell you soon. One way or another.

Because you're the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I don't want anyone else.

Till I see you again...

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