September 12, 2011

I Didn't Actually Learn Much in High School

So when I initially wrote this in this composition notebook, it was about 5:30pm and I was on Roosevelt Island

I love that place.

I finished at around 8pm.

I am now transferring the 15 pages + one line of stuff that wrote onto this here blog.

And I'm not breaking it up. Sorry.

I was going to put a tl;dr version, but fuck that.


So as I write this, I'm on Roosevelt island, sitting below a sun that's slowly but surely diving behind the buildings of Manhattan.

The breeze, the birds, the waves, the few people that stroll by... they are calming.

I really needed this calming effect. Last week was fucking horrible.

Monday: aka Labor Day. trash.
Tuesday: it rained. trash.
Wednesday: work. trash.
Thursday: more work, but tripped out like a junkie. trash.
Friday: even more work at super busy ass NYSG. trash.
Saturday: bullshit changes at Revolucion that put me over the edge. trash.
Sunday: more bullshit, further sending me down the cliff. trash.

Last week was just so bad for me that I needed a solution and an escape... a set of solutions and multiple, prolonged escape. I had entered mindsets that I either haven't had in a long time or never truly had to begin with. (but not suicide. I can't bring myself to just hurt myself, much less kill myself.)

I rather not go into detail about what kind of bullshit I'm dealing with at work. I'm just going to leave it with the following, niggas had been giving me the dick for too long and I was accepting it, but on Saturday and Sunday, I was tired of the dick. Wrote the assholes a letter since "they see these things," and we'll see what happens when I return on Wednesday.

I was completely enraged on Saturday, and even more so on Sunday. Things piled up on top of more things and I pretty much exploded. Only reason why I'm still "theoretically" employed is because of logic. Logic clearly states that in order for me to keep my family afloat and to otherwise do what I want to do in both the near and distant future, I kinda need this job.

But that doesn't mean I was going to get ran over for free.
Even though I did let them do that.

Now you're probably wondering, "What the fuck does my job have anything to do with you learning nothing in high school?" Eventually, I'll get to that, and if I am as good of  writer as I think I am, it will all tie in semi-nicely. And if it doesn't... well... hey.

I basically wrote a letter telling whomever that recent changes that have been made are bullshit and that something has to give.

(The sun is officially behind the buildings at this point.)

What exactly are the changes? Cut hours, new object placement, rubber rugs...

Whatever. It's all bullshit designed to make my life harder than it already is.

And this is what I didn't understand after I made this post... when did my life get so fucking difficult? I mean, high school was extremely easy for me, and it is said that high school is supposed to prepare you for the real world, right? That 94 overall average in my entire four years of Edison means something, right?

(You know, I wanted to see the sun set from Roosevelt Island since the last time I was at Roosevelt Island. But since the buildings are blocking the sun, it's not actually anything all that impressive...)

So that's when I started thinking about high school again. I started thinking about how easy all of my schooling was. Elementary school? Practically all E's. (for Excellent, not E being next to F). And I was told, "Oh, but when you get to junior high school, it's gonna get harder." Got to JHS and brought home 90+ easy. "Oh, but when you get to high school, it's gonna get harder..."

Shut up. I looked forward to the challenges of adulthood, responsibility, and "freedom," and such. And I revisited the conclusion...

I learned jack shit in high school.

I graduated high school with the 12th best overall four year GPA out of 461 students. "Impressive."

"Oh but when you get to college..."

Save it. I go on to Temple University in Philadelphia, PA, despite my parents advice to go to school in state. There, I do one semester, and bust down a 3.25 GPA. And never return. Because my father got sick and passed away.

High school didn't teach me how to deal with family death.
High school didn't teach me to be smart with this college stuff and the money behind it.
High school didn't teach me how to deal with the heart break of falling in love with beautiful, outstanding young ladies that by the time I actually fell in love with them I had no chance to actually get with.
High school didn't teach me how to get a job.

Interesting story: when I was about 16, my brother (who was therefore 12) was like how he wanted a job. Now I was never really the money hungry type. I'm still not. Back then, I didn't always get what I wanted on demand, but I always got what I needed on time. That was good enough for me. Anyway, my brother and I are like how we want jobs (I hopped on the bandwagon... also, I was old enough for working papers, but my brother just wanted to bag groceries really really fast for tips, just to have some money.). My father told me that I didn't need a job, for if I focused on school and maintained the grades I was getting out of high school, into college, and graduated with the flying colors that pretty much everyone expected to graduate with, I'd be able to get any job I wanted because I'm obviously a really smart muafucka that knows what I'm doing and can learn that which I don't know in a flash. And that made an amazing amount of sense to me, so I dismissed the entire desire to want a job at that age.

Problem is, no one foresaw my father's untimely death.

Furthermore, no one foresaw how badly that would effectively destroy my path to greatness.

Admittedly, I allowed my father's death to negatively affect me more than it should have. My father was essentially the driving force pushing an otherwise unstoppable object, but when he died, no longer there to push said unstoppable object, I came to a screeching halt.

And boy did life get hard.
And boy did I allow it to get harder than it needed to be.

I "tried" to get a job. I filled out a few applications but never really followed up on them, simply falling back on my 94 HS GPA, which is, in fact, inferior to the 73 HS GPA with actual work experience. Or even the GED with actual work experience. Especially a person that can hardly speak English but has work experience.

Thus I tried to go school. I went to DeVry. No offense to those who went/go to DeVry are doing amazing things, but it was obviously beneath me. I would tell people "Yeah, I'm going to DeVry now," and I could sense the disappointment that most people had in me when they heard that.

But DeVry had a problem... it was really fucking expensive. Now could I have made it work? If I really wanted to... if I was really ready, then yeah. Retrospect says I could have either dug a deeper hole in debt but staying or at least trying to clot the blood by transferring somewhere else.

I did none of those things. I just dropped out. Because I felt "burnt out."

Now on one hand, I kinda sorta was "burnt out," do to all the shit I was getting involved with in life at the time. On the other hand, I still just wasn't ready for school due to letting my father's death negatively affect me.

Still, high school didn't teach me how to deal with "burn out."

(If I can, I totally want to move to Roosevelt Island. It's so quiet and peaceful and serene...)

(Gonna throw that in my wishful thinking bank...)

I "chilled" (if you wanna call it that) for about a year, suffered a heart break and other bullshit, landed on the bottom of the barrel, dug a small hole underneath that barrel, and that point, it was time to pick myself up and start working my way back to the top.

Looking back upon the initial steps of that climb, I realize...

High school didn't prepare me for how fucking corrupt this country... this planet is.

I get a few jobs, I listen to some stories, I see things that I wouldn't have seen otherwise, I fall for tricks of the trade, and it becomes clear.

Nothing. And I mean nothing. Nothing is as it seems.

High school did not teach me that a lot of the things I was doing "right" were absolutely "wrong."
High school did not teach me how to see the "lies" in the "truth" and vice versa.

Yes, you have to see the "truth" in the "lies" as well.

And as I sit here on this bench. Or as I walk in that airport terminal. Or as I read something on the Internet. Or as I ride on the bus. Or as I breathe.

Or whatever.

I come to the conclusion that people are ignorant. High school didn't teach me that either.

Not necessarily "dumb" or "stupid." Mostly ignorant.

Ignorant mostly because they think they are "free." As long as you live in America and you think you live in a democratic country, then you have fallen for America's most basic trap. You are ignorant.

Granted, that is not the only thing that makes you ignorant. In the end, knowledge is infinite, and you just won't be able to know everything. But it doesn't help that this country provides us with a backbone that keeps us as ignorant as possible. I mean, it's hard to lead a bunch of people with the same amount, if not more, knowledge and information as you do.

(How come as soon as I crank up my music this helicopter shows up?)

Think about any leader ever. Beside the "qualities" of a "leader," what sets a leader apart from everyone else? Knowledge and information.

And/or how much dick they sucked to get that leader position.

lol oh boy... two different stories to tell here... let me put a bunch of stars here so that I can remember this...

Story #1:
This one dates back to when I was in the sixth grade. We had a teacher who evolved into a dean in the middle of the year. This resulted in our class getting a new teacher that was a total rookie... pure fresh meat for our sixth grade claws and teeth to sink into. Don't exactly know why, but we had no respect for this teacher whatsoever. Hard to be a leader with no respect from that which you lead, right?

Well, it gets worse when a student teaches the class how to long division better than you teach it.

Yeah, there's this legend that says that I taught the class how to do long division because apparently I thought she was doin' it wrong. And apparently the class actually knew how to do long division at that point.

I honestly have no memory of the events. But I've heard it on multiple occasions from independent sources. So it must be true.

Anyway, say goodbye to your ability to be a leader for a sixth grade class.

Sure enough, to this day, she teaches, like, kindergarten or something.

Story #2:
This one is more recent.

So we have this really awesome manager at Revolucion who got his hours cut. Clearly he got his hours cut because he's awesome and he doesn't suck dick.

Additionally, there was a cook that was supposed to become the head cook of Revolucion when our "executive chef" (who apparently sucks dick according to the general consensus) left. The cook who did in fact get promoted got there via hard work and no dick sucking. Unfortunately, a cook was hired at a position higher than him, and this cook (the source of my latest over the top Snake grenade+missile+mine+C4 explosion due to the frustration of all those changes) clearly sucks dick. Yes, I'm making this judgement and I haven't even met the guy yet. First impressions muthafucka. Clearly you sucked dick to get that position, I can see the stains.

Okay, so where was I? This is getting really long... awesome.

Oh yeah. Leaders.

High school didn't teach me how to become a leader.

My father always. Always. Always told me, "Be a leader, not a follower." And I did so to the best of my ability. Lead, but at worst, didn't follow unless it was perfectly clear that the leader knew what he/she/it was doing.

But in the end, you can only lead if you have more info than that which you lead.

Parents lead children because they know more.
Teachers lead students because they know more.
Managers lead employees because they know more.
Coaches lead teams because they know more.
Presidents lead countries because they know more.

(all of this assumes that no dick was sucked in the process)

But if you're a President that's leading your country like shit because the rest of the staff that's up there is helping you lead your country like shit, it helps if your fellow citizens doesn't know exactly why the country is being lead like shit, doesn't it? It helps to put out false information and put on false performances such that no one really knows why the country is being lead like shit, right?

Like seriously, as a politician that claims they want "what's best for the country," how can you get any sleep at all knowing that this country is on the brink of falling into a shit hole that, depending on whose theory you read, it won't be able to climb up from?

Easy... you really, honestly don't give a fuck. As long as you're up there in that top 3% that's gonna benefit from your people stuck in the headlock of ignorance.

See, high school didn't teach these things.

So what exactly did high school teach?

Well, as far as "classroom subjects," you really only learn what your brain wants to learn. I learned pretty much all of high school math except logistics because I was sick those days and never followed up on it. I learned about the elements of literature (but alternatively, didn't learn that my Marko Man stories are, in fact, not literature). Learned a bit of physics, chemistry. Couldn't give a shit about history as we know it anymore, since so much of it is probably a lie anyway, so fuck it.

(in short, the Statue of Liberty was given to America by France around the time slavery was abolished. it had nothing to do with the American independence, but instead "freedom" from slavery for black people, but that original design was denied...)

(looking at the city lights from the outside is nice.)


I'm still not sure exactly what high school actually taught... maybe someone can enlighten me.

(two more things I have left on my Roosevelt Island to do list... take the tram and view it from the outside looking it...)

But maybe it taught something... or was supposed to teach something and I just didn't get the lesson. I see a number of my friends have successfully graduated from college and are either in the progress of enjoy successful, doable careers or obtaining even higher education in the form of a Master's degree.

But then again, I also see a number of my friends dealing with their own struggles, scraping and scrapping for cash money.

And then you have people that took a different route... a route that didn't require schooling, and they are doing their thing. Did they learn about this route via high school? Did high school prepare them at all for that detour?

Maybe I wouldn't even bother asking these questions if my father was still alive and he was still pushing this unstoppable object. I could analyze that, but it would take years to come up with a reasonable answer(s)... because... you know... Butterfly Effect, and there are mad butterflies.

Although I haven't seen on all summer. :(
Seen moths though. :/

Of course, none of this actually matters if you believe that the world is going to end in 2012.

Hmmmm... so it's clear to me that only reason I'm still writing and rambling at this point is because as long and hard deep this might have been, I'm still searching for an answer or a conclusion of some kind.

An then I remember this post.

Clearly states that when you are defeated, you have to go back to the drawing board.

Have I been defeated?

Well, I think about decisions I've made concerning the past, the present, and the future (emphasis on present and future since you can't really do shit about the past except speculate... but even speculation can give you info and answers), and I've noticed that I've kinda fallen off my own plans to some extent.

My mind has already made it clear that this is only the beginning of my struggles, and it hasn't even actually begun yet. I have already foreseen the bullshit that I am going to have to deal with in the future when I start making real strides along dangerous territory to get to my personal summit.

And as I sit here, looking into the night skyline across the water... I'm still thinking. This can only mean one thing...

This isn't over.

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